Don't Know What To Do?
- Article Summary
- Family Member Feelings
- Family Dynamics
- How families can help
- Tips for helping your relative or partner
- Relationship with a partner
Help For Partners And Families
When someone in a family has an alcohol or other drug problem, everyone is affected. At first, as the problem develops, the family may not understand what is happening. The person with the problem may not see his or her use as a problem, or the person may not be completely open about what is going on.
As the problem becomes clearer, family members may have different ideas about how to deal with it. As individuals and as a unit, family members may struggle to balance their desire to help and protect the person with the need to let the person take responsibility for his or her behavior.
Family Member Feelings
- feel guilt, shame
- feel grief, depression
- feel loss of control, anxiety
- feel anger and resentment
- experience denial.
If the problem worsens, family members may also begin to feel hopeless.
There may be:
- vague, unclear communication
- escalating conflict, breakdown of relationships
- a gradual shift in roles and responsibilities
- efforts to clean up after or otherwise rescue the person with the problem to protect him or her, or to hide the problem from others
- nagging, threatening
- counting drinks or making other attempts to check how much the person is using.
Finally, family members may attempt to control the person and his or her use, or they may increase their own use of alcohol or other drugs. Family members may also begin to neglect themselves emotionally, physically or socially.
How families can help
Families can play a strong role in recovery. With support from families, people are more likely to stay in treatment and have a successful outcome. Providing that support, however, is only possible if family members take care of their own needs first.
Self-care for partners and families
Partners and family members need to look after their own physical and mental health. To do this, you can do the following:
- Set limits. Decide what things you will or will not do, and let your relative or partner know. This sends a message to that person to take control of his or her own behavior. Family members sometimes "rescue" by covering up or not allowing the relative or partner to experience the consequences of his or her use. This can reduce motivation for change or even make it easier for the person to keep using.
- Make time for yourself. Keep up your interests outside the family and apart from your relative or partner.
- Consider seeking support for yourself, even if your relative or partner is not in treatment. Understanding the problem and the impact it has on you will help you cope. Consider either entering therapy for yourself or joining a self-help or family support program. Local community addiction treatment centers may offer or be aware of these programs.
- Take a look at your own substance use. Might your substance use be a cause for concern? Is your drinking or other drug use a "trigger" for the problem use of someone else in your life?
- Acknowledge and accept that sometimes you will have angry or negative feelings about the situation. Having conflicting emotions is normal. Knowing this can help you to control these emotions, so you can support your relative or partner through recovery. Try not to feel guilty about your feelings.
- Protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially, as necessary. If children are involved, keep them safe.
- Keep up your own support network. Avoid isolating yourself. Keep in touch with friends and family outside the home who can offer support.
- Don't allow the problem to take over family life. As much as possible, keep stress low and family life normal. Continue to do family activities such as celebrating birthdays and holidays.
Having a relative or partner with a substance use problem can also strain the relationships of family members who are not using. Different family members may see the problem differently and interact differently with the person with the problem. Family counseling can help to promote family unity, and enable family members to support each other and the person with a substance use problem.
Getting treatment for your relative or partner
It may be hard to get your relative or partner to accept help. Even if the person does realize his or her use is a problem, he or she may not see treatment as useful. The decision to seek help has to come from the person who needs it. There are, however, some ways that family members can encourage a relative or partner. Generally, a concerned and supportive approach is most effective.
When approaching the question of finding treatment, determine what stage of change the person is at (see Change, Recovery and Relapse Prevention?for more on the stages of change). Often, family members want the person to be in the action phase, but the person hasn't yet decided to change his or her use. Pushing too hard or suggesting treatment or other action strategies before a person is ready can backfire, and lead to even more resistance to change. A good start is finding out what part of the problem your relative or partner is least resistant to changing. For example, the person may mention that difficulties in getting to work on time or in being an effective, involved parent could be related to drinking. You could use this discussion to start the person thinking about getting help. Another thing you can do is to find out about addiction assessment services in your community. Offer to accompany your relative or partner to an assessment appointment.
If the problem is severe, a push for treatment may come from outside the family. If work performance has been affected, an employer may require that the person take action about his or her substance use. Pressure to change or obtain treatment may also result from legal difficulties or other related problems. Even though people may initially be angry about being pushed into treatment, the treatment experience often helps them to see how they need to change.
As the person begins treatment, family members may feel hope and optimism. They may begin to appreciate how hard it is for their relative or partner, and admire the person's courage in admitting the problem and beginning to make changes. Your positive encouragement helps to support the person as he or she works toward change.
Tips for helping your relative or partner
- Learn as much as you can about the causes, signs and symptoms of problem substance use. This will help you to understand and support your relative or partner in recovery.
- Communicate positively, directly and clearly. State what you want to happen, rather than criticizing your relative or partner for past behaviors. Avoiding personal criticism can help your relative or partner feel accepted while he or she is making difficult changes.
- Encourage your relative or partner to follow the treatment plan. Encourage the person to attend treatment sessions regularly and to use the support from his or her counselor or group. Support the person's efforts to avoid things that may trigger substance use.
- Ask your partner or relative how you can be supportive and create a safer environment (e.g., would the person prefer it if alcohol were removed from the home?).
- As your relative or partner recovers, encourage him or her to begin to take back some of the responsibilities and connections that might have been disrupted. Getting back the healthier parts of his or her life, such as family, friends, work and hobbies, can help to maintain changes and to rebuild more balanced relationships with family members.
- Recognize that recovery may not be completely smooth. Relapse is often a part of recovery. Have realistic expectations and encourage realistic goals. Prepare a plan for your response to relapse, if it should occur. A relapse can escalate to a return to problem use. If this occurs, decide on your actions and limits, and communicate these clearly to your relative or partner.
- Give hope. Remind the person that no matter how hard the struggle, recovery is possible.
Relationship with a partner
A substance use problem can profoundly affect an intimate relationship. Feelings of resentment, anger and loss of trust can lead to distance and hostility in the relationship. The non-using partner may feel betrayed due to past actions. He or she might also have taken on more responsibilities than seem fair. Over time, a partner may begin to feel more and more in a parental role, eroding the couple's bond. If the partner with the substance use problem does reduce or stop use, it will still take time, patience and a great deal of effort to rebuild what might have been lost. The partner might have been using substances to deal with stress and need to learn new skills to deal with life pressures.
If your partner is willing, meet with his or her counselor A meeting can help you to better understand treatment and to learn ways to be supportive and encourage progress.
Support groups for family members can also help. Later on, as your partner enters the action or maintenance stage, consider couple therapy with a marital or couple therapist who understands addiction. Such therapy can help improve communication and strengthen the relationship.
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